Just to caution, this is a blog post about my feelings and experiences. This does not quantify or qualify anyone else’s experiences or feelings, nor discount them. If you are able to relate, feel free to do so in the comments. Otherwise, buckle in for a ride!
While drums and bass thump in my ears I stumble to recall the first reason why I loved Valentine’s Day. I never revered the holiday before. Then I fell in love, like one does. I had a person, now ex-partner, ask me to be their boyfriend. I accepted this request. Why would I accept a request even though I didn’t develop romantic feelings for them, you may ask? Well, because I am on the spectrum of aromanticism and asexuallity. The label I use for myself is demi-ace/aroflux. I didn’t gain feelings for most of my partners until after becoming friends with them and developing romantic and sexual feelings towards them.
Now, back to why this is all relevant to Valentine’s Day. I regret ever accepting this request, because now it pains me to celebrate this holiday. We ended up breaking-up on bad terms. It seems petty, but they said I looked stupid in the tik-tok (then, musically). While I do agree that many people do act and look quite ignorant and repulsive [in action*] on the internet, the comment was not toward how I acted; it was how I looked as a human being and expressed myself.
Here are some snippets of how I may have looked a few years ago. This is actually from a year ago, but I think you will understand why my ex called me stupid:
Versus how everyone expects me to look all the time:
I think I look amazing in both masculine and feminine clothes. My ex-partner did not think the same way. Here I am with a beautiful human being who loves all sides of me. My ex can go shove it!
The whole situation had still broken my heart into several pieces. I had to pick them all up and shove them into a misshapen mess. To this day a lot of ex-lovers still haunt my continuing future. I’m listening to upbeat music, so the mood isn’t exactly here to write about heart breaking. What I could write about is what my feelings are for this coming Valentine’s Day.
Like with the music I am playing; I feel lively and looking forward to the mixed up holiday. I really don’t believe this holiday should be the most important part of anyone’s life. Love inclines and declines throughout one’s life like a freakin’ rollercoaster! My husband’s birthday is around the same week, so I guess it makes it a double holiday for him. I hope to give him a reminder that I love him, like I do daily. The only difference is an excuse to give extra care and attention during one or two days of the week.
Since we don’t have much, it puts aside a day to relax with one another. We already do this, but we hold a heavy heart while doing so. At least, these are my feelings while celebrating holidays with the folks I love and enjoy.
I feel all of you out there who are hurt by this holiday as well as those who are healed. You all have feelings around this holiday that will lead to a rich life. Follow your journey. Don’t stop learning and most importantly, don’t stop caring.
Spreading Love and Experiences — Blaze’s writing ends here.
*I accentuate the word ‘action’ here, because I believe actions speak louder in this instance than how someone looks. People don’t control how they look. My style is my own and I don’t have a lot of control over that. I like what I like and that is that!
